Life's Handicap: Being Stories of Mine Own People Read online

  REINGELDER AND THE GERMAN FLAG

  [Footnote: Copyright, 1891, by MACMILLAN& CO.]

  Hans Breitmann paddled across the deck in his pink pyjamas, a cup of teain one hand and a cheroot in the other, when the steamer was swelteringdown the coast on her way to Singapur. He drank beer all day and allnight, and played a game called 'Scairt' with three compatriots.

  'I haf washed,' said he in a voice of thunder, 'but dere is nouse washing on these hell-seas. Look at me--I am still all wet andschweatin'. It is der tea dot makes me so. Boy, bring me Bilsener onice.'

  'You will die if you drink beer before breakfast,' said one man. 'Beeris the worst thing in the world for--'

  'Ya, I know--der liver. I haf no liver, und I shall not die. At least Iwill not die obon dese benny sdeamers dot haf no beer fit to trink. IfI should haf died, I will haf don so a hoondert dimes before now--inShermany, in New York, in Japon, in Assam, und all over der inside bansof South Amerique. Also in Shamaica should I hat died or in Siam, but Iam here; und der are my orchits dot I have drafelled all the vorld roundto find.'

  He pointed towards the wheel, where, in two rough wooden boxes, lay amass of shrivelled vegetation, supposed by all the ship to representAssam orchids of fabulous value.

  Now, orchids do not grow in the main streets of towns, and HansBreitmann had gone far to get his. There was nothing that he had notcollected that year, from king-crabs to white kangaroos.

  'Lisden now,' said he, after he had been speaking for not much more thanten minutes without a pause; 'Lisden und I will dell you a sdory to showhow bad und worse it is to go gollectin' und belief vot anoder fool hafsaid. Dis was in Uraguay which was in Amerique--North or Sout' you wouldnot know--und I was hoontin' orchits und aferydings else dot I couldback in my kanasters--dot is drafelling sbecimen-gaces. Dere vas den mitme anoder man--Reingelder, dot vas his name--und he vas hoontin' alsobut only coral-snakes--joost Uraguay coral-snakes--aferykind you couldimagine. I dell you a coral-snake is a peauty--all red und white likecoral dot has been gestrung in bands upon der neck of a girl. Dere isone snake howefer dot we who gollect know ash der Sherman Flag, pecauseid is red und plack und white, joost like a sausage mit druffles.Reingelder he was naturalist--goot man--goot trinker--better as me! "ByGott," said Reingelder, "I will get a Sherman Flag snake or I will die."Und we toorned all Uraguay upside-behint all pecause of dot ShermanFlag.

  'Von day when we was in none knows where--shwingin' in our hummocksamong der woods, oop comes a natif woman mit a Sherman Flag in abickle-bottle--my bickle-bottle--und we both fell from our hummocks flatubon our pot--what you call stomach--mit shoy at dis thing. Now I wasgollectin' orchits also, und I knowed dot der idee of life to Reingeldervas dis Sherman Flag. Derefore I bicked myselfs oop und I said,"Reingelder, dot is YOUR find."--"Heart's true friend, dou art a gootman," said Reingelder, und mit dot he obens der bickle-bottle, und dernatif woman she shqueals: "Herr Gott! It will bite." I said--pecause inUraguay a man must be careful of der insects--"Reingelder, shpifligateher in der alcohol und den she will be all right."--"Nein," saidReingelder, "I will der shnake alife examine. Dere is no fear. Dercoral-shnakes are mitout shting-apparatus brofided." Boot I looked ather het, und she vas der het of a boison-shnake--der true viper cranium,narrow und contract. "It is not goot," said I, "she may bite und den--weare tree hoondert mile from aferywheres. Broduce der alcohol und bicklehim alife." Reingelder he had him in his hand--grawlin' und grawlin' asslow as a woorm und dwice as guiet. "Nonsense," says Reingelder. "Yateshaf said dot not von of der coral-shnakes haf der sack of boison." Yatesvas der crate authorite ubon der reptilia of Sout' Amerique. Hehaf written a book. You do not know, of course, but he vas a crateauthorite.

  'I gum my eye upon der Sherman Flag, grawlin' und grawlin' inReingelder's fist, und der het vas not der het of innocence. "MeinGott," I said. "It is you dot will get der sack--der sack from dis lifehere pelow!"

  '"Den you may haf der shnake," says Reingelder, pattin' it ubon her het."See now, I will show you vat Yates haf written!"

  'Uud mit dot he went indo his dent, unt brung out his big book ofYates; der Sherman Flag grawlin' in his fist. "Yates haf said," saidReingelder, und he throwed oben der book in der fork of his fist undread der passage, proofin' conglusivement dot nefer coral-shnake bitevas boison. Den he shut der book mit a bang, und dot shqueeze derSherman Flag, und she nip once und dwice.

  '"Der liddle fool he haf bit me," says Reingelder.

  'Dese things was before we know apout der permanganat-potash injection.I was discomfordable.

  '"Die oop der arm, Reingelder," said I, "und trink whisky ontil you canno more trink."

  '"Trink ten tousand tevils! I will go to dinner," said Reingelder, undhe put her afay und it vas very red mit emotion.

  'We lifed upon soup, horse-flesh, und beans for dinner, but before wevas eaten der soup, Reingelder he haf hold of his arm und cry, "It isgenumben to der clavicle. I am a dead man; und Yates he haf lied inbrint!"

  'I dell you it vas most sad, for der symbtoms dot came vas all dose ofstrychnine. He vas doubled into big knots, und den undoubled, und denredoubled mooch worse dan pefore, und he frothed. I vas mit him, saying,"Reingelder, dost dou know me?" but he himself, der inward gonsciousnesspart, was peyond knowledge, und so I know he vas not in bain. Den hewrop himself oop in von dremendous knot und den he died--all alone mitme in Uraguay. I was sorry, for I lofed Reingelder, und I puriedhim, und den I took der coral-shnake--dot Sherman Flag--so bad unddreacherous und I bickled him alife.

  'So I got him: und so I lost Reingelder.'